Today I Worry
That my efforts this year will not be enough. That this churning attempt to do a project on my own will fail. That this academic track I’m on is not meaningful enough in the real world. That making a contribution to academia and making a contribution to the world are very different things. That the excitement for asking questions and seeking meaning eludes me. That I will not find a story, a study, worthy of a dissertation. That I won’t figure out how to own my work, care about it enough to carry it forward. That I will forever struggle to meet deadlines. That I’m not sure what the questions are I’m studying. That I’ll waste time trying to figure it out.
I feel passionately about making the world a better place for children, youth and families. About intercultural understanding and peace. About the plight of women and girls in Afghanistan and other places where they are similarly oppressed. About understanding peoples’ stories. About education and teaching as something that inspires growth, new ideas, community. And I worry that these things I care about are not central enough to the work I’m doing. That the academics won’t contribute to these things in meaningful ways.
Tomorrow I trust I’ll have insight. Probably feel more convinced about what I’m doing. Perhaps find new inspiration in my project. But today I worry, and wonder how to bring together these things I care about with this academic path I’m on.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I often feel this way and I am not on my journey to a Ph.D. I feel my work is pointless, I wonder if I will ever be in a position to own my work to make a contribution, and if that contribution will be enough. And then I pause and remember, when you toss a pebble into a pound how the concentric circles reach out ever expanding and realize that living is making a contribution. When you smile at someone, when you hold the door, when you hold someone in a long hug when they are sad. That life isn’t always about us trying to “fix” something, but rather about holding life, allowing it space to grow. Just you writing here is a contribution, something great, that others can read and connect with, find new meaning in their lives, build hope, longing, dreams… Sometimes we miss the more important contributions because they are small and subtle and we are spending so much energy planing for a big splash.