budding scholar

For some reason, as I work to write a 2-page fellowship application (short, right?), I cannot get past the first paragraph. I have 4 pages of text, but it’s now time to condense it into one concise 2-page argument, and I’m stuck stuck stuck. Usually listening to music helps, but not today. Sometimes taking a break and coming back to it does the trick. Hasn’t worked either. What do you do when you’re stuck in your writing at the edit/refine/shape the argument stage?

My sister had a heart surgery today, scheduled at the last minute (was supposed to be next week). Things went well, and I’m glad I could be there. I was looking forward to talking about where I am in my trajectory at school, and getting feedback my colleagues in my Policy Implementation Research Group. But I needed to be there for my sister, felt I had to postpone my own stuff. And it makes me think about the future, having kids, a family of my own. When work is structured independently, as so much of grad school is (an many jobs a Ph.D. leads into), and you guilt trip yourself so much about not getting work done, it can be hard to strike the right balance with being there when needed for family… It’s not the same as taking off from the office, when it feels like the responsibility can be left at your desk. It’s always there with you.

What will this be like with my own children? How will I strike the right balance between work and family? I don’t want to not be able to put work down when needed, but I also don’t want work to suffer too much.

This weekend, I’m going to get a lot of work done. Big plans! The weather is supposed to be almost 80 degrees (in San Francisco! in April!), so we’ll for sure go on a bike ride and perhaps a good run. But the rest of the time I’m going to focus on catching up on work.

I read an article recently about how people make choices, and that we never want to choose something that shuts us off to other options. I feel this so strongly in choosing how to specialize in the Ph.D. program. We need to pick 3 areas of specialization, and somehow committing with them involves an overwhelming number of maybes and what-ifs. What about faculty advisers? The areas should match people I will have on my dissertation committee. What about future jobs? The areas are going to send me down certain paths and not others, which will shut off some job options.

How to choose? What criteria to use? One person told me to think of it as “what conversations do you want to be a part of?”. Do I want to be in government advising on education policy? Or in academia developing theory and advancing knowledge in my area? I could see both of these being viable options for me.

But the contingencies are not the point in a way. Making the choice is. Because I can’t have it all, no one can. And by choosing, I’ll then open up other options and new avenues for choice. A door will close but 3 might open. If I’m choosing based on what I care about, want to study, am really interested in, then the rest will follow, right?

Yes, a clump of onions are a good metaphor for where my inspiration and ideas for Ph.D. study are right now.

When I was a Master’s student I had a golden moment during the final presentation of my project on language policy in Spain, where I knew I had attained a level of understanding of the literatures I was drawing on, and the problems of my topic, that were on par with scholarly levels of work. The associate dean of the School of Ed at Stanford asked me a question which was beyond the scope of my topic, but I remember I gave a thoughtful answer based on what I knew from my study, and he joked that I would be able to explore his question in my Ph.D. studies. At that point I was completely committed, after having spent a year LOVING graduate school and scholarship, to return to school to work on a Ph.D. I knew what I wanted to study, too.

Now, in my second year at Berkeley, I am revisiting my reasons for taking on a Ph.D. What was I hoping to get out of it back then? What drove me to work so hard and be so motivated to come back to school? In many ways, the most difficult part is I now see the limitations of the perspective that I once wished to belong to, yet at the same time have not found an intellectual home for where I am now. It’s a matter of finding people who care about the questions and issues I care about. I’ve found some, but not enough. Where are the rest? Who should I turn to for professional advice? Who shares my interests topically? Who has the methods I know I want to learn? What makes sense at this point?

It’s a good question. When we overcommit ourselves, and things turn into “just getting through it”, what do we really get out of things? If we don’t have time to go deeply and satisfactorily into anything, what can we take away from it. A sobering question, which becomes another one: What to give up, or let go of?

First big project pieces coming up due this week and next. The pressure of juggling so many pieces pressing hard into my neck and shoulders, leaving clenches of tension.

How do these assignments relate to the bigger picture of what I’m studying? If the topic doesn’t relate in any clear way, what am I getting out of it? Where does it make sense to go from where I am now?

At the end of my studies, I want the focus of my work to be relevant for policy. How can I make sure this happens?

Some days of academic study are filled with self doubt about the (ir?)relevance of the work and the direction it will go. And especially about how it will all fit together in a tidy summation of Ph.D. experience. Today is one of those days.

It’s due in 12 days, so that isn’t much time. It is completely possible though. I’ve brainstormed some ideas, and know who I would ask for the recommendation. But I’m not sure whether I have it in me to pull the application together.

Yet it would be very exciting, and mark a great next step to my career, even if I don’t get it. I want to do international work, and I want to apply for fellowships this year. I also think that I have a good idea, if I can find the right place to study it.

Thoughts?

– Orals, one week from tomorrow.

-Sociology paper, due Monday.

-Statistics projects, due Tuesday.

And so on. It feels that this time in the semester turns to lists, lists, lists. A constant “comiendome la cabeza” (the Spanish collocquial way of saying worry about things) about what needs to be done. Even as I am learning so much from the experience of writing and studying for orals, it gets harder to step back and reflect on the new knowledge and ways of thinking I have developed this year. Mostly I feel busy and happy to be where I am, with the privilege of studying again in such an expansive way.